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Your Horoscope According To Shit Cher Did

Look to the stars for thoughtful insight into your month ahead.

by Yasmine Shemesh

Illustration by Erik Grice

Got the blues? Not sure what to do about your career? Relationship at a crossroads? SNAP OUT OF IT! From the indelible mark she’s made on music, movies, and fashion to always staying true to herself no matter what, Cher is the ultimate rockstar—and your cosmic guide to this summer.   

(May 21 – June 20)

Cher has had countless iconic fashion moments over the years, but one of her most memorable is the barely-there sheer bodysuit she wore in the 1989 music video for “If I Could Turn Back Time.” She topped it off with a studded leather jacket, as she strutted around a battleship filled with sailors. Gemini, tap into your boldness and don’t be afraid to let it all hang out. Show off and don’t be shy. You’re an inspiration to everyone around you. 


(June 21 – July 22)

In her Oscar-winning turn in the 1987 film, Moonstruck, Cher stars as Loretta Castorini, an Italian-American widow who falls for the younger brother (Nicolas Cage) of her fiancé. Loretta is hell-bent on denying her feelings, feeling guilty for betraying the person she wants to be with who she really is, and convinced she’s cursed when it comes to love. We won’t spoil how it ends if you haven’t seen it… but, protective and prone to overthinking, Cancer has a lot in common with Loretta. This month, remember to be honest with yourself. Don’t lose your identity by trying to keep up appearances. 

(July 23 – August 22)

Cher is truly one-of-a-kind. She has reinvented herself time and again across six decades, remaining relevant and entirely individual every step of the way. In music alone, she’s spanned everything from 60s sunshine pop (“I Got You Babe”) to folk-rock (“Dark Lady”), disco fever (“Take Me Home”) to ‘80s power ballad (“I Found Someone”), dance-pop (“Believe,” with a pioneering use of auto-tune) to ABBA (her cover album, Dancing Queen). Leo, you’ve been venturing into some unknown territory lately, whether in your relationships or career. It can feel scary to try something new, but let your fiery spirit guide you. You’re exactly where you need to be. 


(August 23 – September 22)

Virgos are known for their attention to detail—something Cher (a self-described “pain in the ass perfectionist”) can relate to, as well. While filming Mermaids in 1990, the star made headlines for rumours that she had Winona Ryder replace Emily Lloyd, the actress originally in the role of her daughter, and clashing with director Frank Oz, who eventually left the project. The film seemed like a passion project for Cher and so it was important to get the tone totally right: she reportedly viewed Mermaids, based on Patty Dann’s novel of the same name, as a tribute to her own mother. She also recorded two songs for the soundtrack, including a cover of Betty Everett’s “The Shoop Shoop Song (It’s in His Kiss),” which has remained one of her most enduring hits. This month, Virgo, set goals for yourself and trust in the process! 


(September 23 – October 22)

Cher has famously had many loves throughout her life. She married Sonny Bono in 1964, the pair becoming a pop sensation with their own variety show. After Sonny and Cher divorced in 1975, Cher was married to Gregg Allman until 1978. Later, Cher had relationships with leading Hollywood men like Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer, and rockers Gene Simmons and Richie Sambora. She’s now dating music exec Alexander “AE” Edward. Libra, you’re feeling extra social lately. If you’re single, it’s the perfect time to get out there and mingle. 


(October 23 – November 21)

At the 1986 Oscars, Cher hit the red carpet in a feathered headpiece, jewel-encrusted bralette that criss-crossed like a spiderweb, and matching skirt with a side-slit. Designed by her frequent collaborator Bob Mackie, it has since been dubbed her “revenge dress,” and was a middle finger to the Academy for snubbing her performance in Mask. “I wasn’t going to go at all,” she reportedly told the New York Times. “And then they asked me to present, these people who had just said, ‘No, you can’t be one of us.’ I thought, ‘O.K., you can go in a simple black dress and be just like everyone else.’ But then I decided, ‘I’m going to remind them of what they don’t like about me.’” If Cher wasn’t a Taurus, she’d be its sister sign: intense and unapologetic, with a deadly stinger. Someone dismissed you, Scorpio, and your blood is boiling. Use that energy to empower yourself. Revenge dress, baby.


(November 22 – December 21)

In 1993, Cher re-released her 1965 Sonny & Cher hit “I Got You Babe” with none other than Beavis and Butthead. The song was recorded for The Beavis and Butthead Experience, a compilation comedy album that also features tracks from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Nirvana, and Primus—and is still considered to be one of the best-selling comedy albums to this day. MTV’s gruesome twosome appear in the psychedelic, animated, and all-around excellent music video, singing along with a live-action Cher. Sagittarius, your sense of humour is legendary, so remember to not take everything so seriously.


(December 22 – January 19)

In 1994, Cher launched a mail-order catalogue called Sanctuary that sold gothic-themed home decor, clothing, and jewelry. The items—cast-iron bed frames, velvet ottomans, chalices, end tables finished with antique gold—were handpicked by Cher herself and included direct replicas of things found in her own home. This month, Capricorn, get started on that side project you’ve been thinking about but keep putting off. There is never a “good time” to start. The time is now.


(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Cher’s genderless perfume, Eau de Couture, layers notes of bergamot and neroli, jasmine and rose, and sandalwood and clove—a concoction described as defying a single category, “like Cher herself.” From always supporting her transgender son, Chaz Bono, and her close bond with the LGBTQ+ community to receiving GLAAD’s Vanguard Award, Cher is a fierce advocate for human rights and inclusive representation. Aquarius, stand up for what you believe in. 


(February 19 – March 20)

Do you believe in life after love? “Believe,” the lead single from Cher’s 1998 album of the same name, is notable for a few reasons. It features a pioneering use of autotune; it’s one of the best-selling singles of all time; it’s objectively a perfect pop song. And it’s also an anthem of self-confidence in the wake of heartbreak. Its follow-up, “Strong Enough,” has similar lyrical themes and is an empowering sister song. You’re going through it right now, Pieces, but remember this: emotions are your superpower. 


(March 21 – April 19)

In The Witches of Eastwick, Jack Nicholson, portraying the Devil, works some dangerous magic to seduce Cher, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Susan Sarandon. At first, the women are unaware of the fact that they’re actually witches and unknowingly form a coven. Then, after all sorts of hijinks, they eventually take their power back. This month, Aries, someone shady is trying to sweet talk you. Don’t fall for it. 


(April 20 – May 20)

In 1996, in a now infamous interview with journalist Jane Pauley, Cher explained why she doesn’t need a man to make her happy. A man is a luxury, she told Pauley, and absolutely not a necessity—“like dessert.” Pauley then asked if the superstar meant that to sound mean and bitter. “Not at all!” Cher retorted. “I adore dessert, I love men. I think men are the coolest. But you don’t really need them to live. My mom said to me, ‘You know, sweetheart, one day you should settle down and marry a rich man.’ And I said, ‘Mom, I am a rich man.’” Like Cher, Taurus, you refuse to let anyone tell you how you should live your life. Keep that in mind this month. You can make your own dreams come true.