RANGE
Search
Close this search box.
Freddie Mercury

Your Horoscope According To Shit Freddie Mercury Did

Look to the stars for thoughtful insight into your month ahead.

by Gaby Harrie

Illustration by Erik Grice

An exemplary Virgo, Freddie Mercury was an expert at being hot, living joyfully and layering fashionably; all essential skills for surviving Autumn. As one of the greatest frontmen in music history, Freddie’s un-dimmable glamour is the perfect North Star for those looking to have a fabulous fall season.

Virgo:
(August 23 – September 22)

Undoubtedly Queen’s most famous song, “Bohemian Rhapsody” changed the music industry forever. But such operatic pop perfection is not achieved easily: it took Freddie seven years to finish writing it. It’s no wonder why he was running that recording studio like the Navy, making Brian May and Roger Taylor record their vocals over and over, 12 hours a day, for almost three weeks. However, if it weren’t for our Chief-Virgo-In-Charge putting his foot down, history would’ve been robbed of one of its most influential prog rock bangers. So, while some may find your perfectionism trying, do not compromise your vision, Virgo, and keep steady in your journey to greatness.

Libra:
(September 23 – October 22)

After hours of lounging around, watching The Golden Girls and being the most fabulous group of people to have ever existed, Freddie Mercury & Co. and The Princess of Wales decided to go out to the Royal Vauxhall Tavern. Diana, regrettably still a British monarch, had to back out, as The Crown would never let her be caught dead in a gay bar in the mid-80s. Finding this a major injustice to the young woman, Freddie refused to let Diana’s night end there, and that’s how The People’s Princess ended up in South London’s rowdiest gay club, decked out in drag and gleefully drinking beer and wine undetected. As the designated hype and harmony person in your friend group, you understand the importance of a good night out more than anyone. Don’t let the end of summer dampen your gang’s spirit. Text that group chat, send that invite, make those reservations and get out there by any means necessary!

 

Scorpio:
(October 23 – November 21)

You might already know that The Buggles made the first music video to air on MTV with “Video Killed The Radio Star,” but do you know who made the first video to be banned on MTV? With nary a wrecking ball in sight, Queen’s music video for 1982’s “Body Language” earned that honour thanks to its “homoerotic undertones,” “sweat,” and “human flesh.” How did Freddie and the guys respond to the backlash? By donning their best butch drag in the now-iconic “I Want To Break Free” music video not two years later. While your anarchic tendencies may have gotten you in hot water before, you’ve never been the type to back down to authority, and now is not the time to start. Stick to your guns this month; win or lose, you’ll be glad you did.

Sagittarius:
(November 22 – December 21)

Drunk as skunks, Rod Stewart, Elton John, and Freddie Mercury had the brilliant idea of forming a band called Hair, Nose And Teeth, obviously named after their famous features. Alas, this supergroup never saw the light of day. “It’s nice when you’ve had a lot of wine, and you talk about it and say, ‘Yes, let’s do it,’” Freddie said, “but the next day when you’re sober, and Elton says, ‘I’m not gonna sing with Rod,’ and Rod says, ‘I’m not gonna sing with Freddie,’ and I say, ‘Well, I’m not gonna sing with Elton!’ you realize it’s never going to happen.” This month, keep an eye on your own impulsive “brilliant ideas” with the 3 and 3 rule. All plans, thoughts, decisions and even people seem revolutionary at 3 a.m., so slow down for the evening and circle back at 3 p.m. If it’s still a great idea in the cold light of day, proceed. 

Capricorn:
(December 22 – January 19)

While luxuriating  in the bath at the Bayerischer Hof Hotel in Munich, Freddie’s thoughts once wandered to Elvis. Suddenly, a rockabilly tune appeared in his mind. Even soaking wet, cripplingly jetlagged and buck naked, Freddie was hellbent on getting that tune down ASAP. He called out for his assistant, Peter Hince, to fetch an instrument, only for Hince to return with a guitaran instrument the frontman admits he “can’t play for nuts.” Dubious guitar skills be damned, Freddie went to work and came out of the bathroom 10 minutes later having written “Crazy Little Thing Called Love.” It might feel like the odds are stacked against you this month, and you could be tempted to give up, but remember that there is no payoff without perseverance. Follow through on your endeavours, and you might find the extra effort was worthwhile.

 

Aquarius:
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Loftily smoking a cigarette and in no mood for the press, this legendary 1985 interview was doomed from the start. When asked a simple “How are you doing?” the singer replied, “I love my job, but I hate talking to people like you.” Later, when asked to describe himself as an artist, Freddie delivered one of his most iconic quips, “I’m just a musical prostitute, my dear,” then frankly scolded, “That’s an asshole question to ask.” In a single interview, Freddie spoke nothing but the truth, giving the interviewer a hard time and the world an endlessly quotable sass-fest. Aquarius, your brain is a weird and wonderful place full of unconventional wisdom. Stop holding out and speak your truth. Let those around you in on how you’re really feeling; you never know who might need to hear your unvarnished take.

Pisces:
(February 19 – March 20)

After several years of dating, cheating, failed marriage proposals, and sexual epiphanies, one would think Freddie Mercury’s relationship with Mary Austin came down in flames. Actually, it was quite the opposite. Once Freddie had come to terms with his sexuality, his romantic relationship with Mary transformed into a beautiful, lifelong friendship. Even in his final days, Freddie made things right with Mary, leaving her his royalties, his £20M mansion, and the bulk of his fortune. He claimed that if it all had worked out, she would’ve been his wife, and it would all have been hers regardless. Ever the romantic, Pisces, you’ve spent your days dreaming of this kind of devotion. As cuffing season approaches, be wary of fast-talking love bombers just looking for someone to spend the cold months with. Find your Freddie, and do not settle for less than you deserve. 

Aries:
(March 21 – April 19)

By 1977, punk had arrived on the scene, and lead singer of the Sex Pistols, Sid Vicious, felt like a hot shot. But when Sid got a little too big for his combat boots one night at Wessex Studios, Freddie Mercury cut him down to size. Reportedly, Sid, who was recording next door to Queen, was invited by Freddie, who was wearing ballet flats at the time, to listen to a new Queen song. Sid arrogantly mocked Freddie, saying his band was just “bringing ballet to the masses.” The Queen himself sarcastically thanked “Simon Ferocious” for his opinion, roasted the punk rocker’s outfit and tossed him out by the collar. Be at your ballsiest this month, Aries. Whether you’re standing up for yourself or your loved ones, you must channel Freddie’s irreverent energy and prepare to let these tired haters have it.

Taurus:
(April 20 – May 20)

In theory, a collaboration between Michael Jackson and Freddie Mercury should result in pop perfection, but two legends do not a legendary duo make. In 1983, Michael and Freddie teamed up to record the song “Victory.” Unfortunately, the recording sessions turned into a bit of a zooliterally. Freddie was reportedly wary when Michael’s pet chimp, Bubbles, joined the sessions to give opinions on the music. Still, it was Michael’s later addition of a live llama that pushed Freddie over the edge. The pair quickly wrapped up the song, and never worked together again. Stubborn and fixed as you are, it’s time to look inward and identify the proverbial chimps and llamas you bring to your relationships. Find a happy medium and compromise before you sabotage a perfect pairing.

 

Gemini:
(May 21 – June 20)

In search of a good time and against his friend’s advice, Freddie went out to the Brooklyn disco The Gilded Grape. With a bulletproof car waiting outside, he headed in, only to find a massive fight had broken out among the patrons. Living for chaos, the rockstar watched in glee as the brawling mob tumbled toward his table. His guest Billie Jean King, however, was not as amused. Sensing her discomfort, Freddie whisked the tennis pro away to safety on the dance floor, making her forget all about the nearby pandemonium. Some tricky social situations may be heading your way in the coming weeks. Always be considerate of your friend’s feelings and search for ways to help them positively navigate those emotions.

Cancer:
(June 21 – July 22)

On top of a four-octave vocal range, an enviable mustache, and an archival wardrobe that would put Carrie Bradshaw into a coma, Freddie Mercury also had ten cats. He loved these felines fiercely, dedicating his solo album, 1985’s Mr. Bad Guy, to his first two cats, Tom and Jerry, along with “all the cat lovers across the universe.” You’ve been contending with complex circumstances lately, but this month will bring an end to that. Stop trying to uncover the rhyme and reason behind all your problems. Indulge in your guilty pleasure songs, take up a weird hobby and embrace your silliest, most frivolous self. 

Leo:
(July 23 – August 22)

Queen’s earth-shattering turn at Live Aid is rightfully one of the most iconic rock shows of all time. Freddie Mercury gave the performance of his life, which is saying a lot for someone who, on a bad day, would give what would be considered any other artist’s greatest performance ever. While it’s easy to give the frontman all the credit, the legendary set was the result of 15 years of collaboration between Brian May, John Deacon, Roger Taylor and Freddie, whose combined magic created the unstoppable phenomenon that was Queen. Together, they played an impeccable 20-minute set of non-stop global mega-hits and helped raise $127 million for famine relief. As you come down from the high of Leo season, your confident glow may come off as self-centred and arrogant. Leave room for those who’ve helped you become the star that you are to shine as well, and make sure they know how grateful you are for their presence in your life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ViAuaUds26k