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Your Horoscope According To Shit Post Malone Did

Look to the stars for thoughtful insight into your month ahead.

by Ben Boddez

Illustration by Erik Grice

In his journey from underground oddball to the genre-spanning crossover act smashing chart records, it’s always seemed like Post Malone has been the kind of guy to not let his fame get to his head, remaining the lovable character that he was from the start. He has a variety of endearing, eccentric, and exceptional moments to choose from, so ahead of his fifth studio album, Austin, this is your horoscope according to shit Post Malone did.

(June 21 – July 22)

Post Malone has long been a common answer to the question of which celebrity people would most like to be friends with, and a big reason for that has to be his unbridled enthusiasm and childlike spirit for the things that excite him – especially the Saturday morning cartoons he grew up on. A Cancer himself, it seems that the characteristic that he’s tapped into the most is the love of familiar comforts. Whether it’s a voice role in the upcoming TMNT flick, re-recording the Chip ‘n Dale theme or participating in a virtual concert for Pokémon’s 25th anniversary – for some delightful reason, covering Hootie & The Blowfish’s “Only Wanna Be With You” – it might be a sign to stop taking yourself so seriously this month. Grab a bowl of cereal and cue up your favourite episode.

(July 23 – August 22)

His stage name might be based on his real-life last name – born Austin Post in Syracuse, New York – but Malone is a massive fan of an entirely different Post: American food delivery app Postmates. The company posted a wrap-up back in 2018 toasting Malone as the world’s most dedicated customer, spending over 40 thousand dollars on the service in 52 American cities over the course of the year. His biggest order was 8 thousand dollars worth of Popeye’s biscuits for a post-Coachella party, while his other go-to spots were Chick-fil-A, GameStop and Petco – for crickets to feed his bearded dragon. Keeping up his reputation as one of the nicest guys in the business, he even tipped a driver a then-unreleased album of his. That’s a Leo-sized generous spirit, but maybe cut back on the UberEats this month.

(August 23 – September 22)

Virgos are known for their attention to detail, and there’s certainly a lot of detail in Malone’s body art. He has over 80 identifiable tattoos, and has mentioned a lot more that he doesn’t show off in public. From profiles of musical inspirations like Johnny Cash, Kurt Cobain, and Bobs both Dylan and Marley, a litany of swords and other weapons, and dedications to Lord of the Rings, Inuyasha, Fallout and the Dallas Cowboys, his latest is a tribute to his 1-year-old daughter, tattooing her initials on his forehead. Malone has mentioned that his tattoos come from a place of boosting his self-confidence, getting them, in his words, to be able to say to himself ‘You look cool, kid’ after being self-conscious about his looks at a young age. This might be the month to pull the trigger on acquiring a meaningful tattoo.


(September 23 – October 22)

Malone is of course known for his catchy blends of pop and hip-hop, but he’s also been known to frequently demonstrate his surprising musical talents on the heavier side of the spectrum. Like any Libra’s dedication to the scales of justice, he used this power for good in the early stages of the COVID pandemic when he staged an 80-minute livestream in his kitchen consisting exclusively of Nirvana covers in April 2020. Joined by Travis Barker and paying homage to idol Cobain by wearing a floral dress, the stream peaked at 200,000 viewers and raised 5 million dollars to donate to the UN Foundation for COVID relief. If too many people have been boxing you in, Libra, it might be the time to do something to prove them wrong. 

(October 23 – November 21)

There was a time when it was a true rarity to see Post Malone without a can of Bud Light in his hand – so much so that he’s teamed up with the beer conglomerate numerous times to offer branded merch and even a Super Bowl ad starring Malone himself. With a Scorpionic commitment to staying true to his principles – to a truly surprising degree at times – Malone was called out on the Ebro in the Morning show for cracking open a can at 10:09 in the morning. Malone only replied with a simple “it’s Light,” affirming that in his world, only the higher alcohol content drinks are off-limits in the A.M. Scorpio, check in with your biggest obsessions – it might be time to put them aside for a while and try something new.


(November 22 – December 21)

Even after releasing his most sombre and personal album yet, Twelve Carat Toothache, Post Malone has been a magnet for the Billboard charts for nearly a decade. He still managed to land one of 2022’s biggest hits, “I Like You (A Happier Song),” which boasted a feature from kindred spirit in online eccentricity, Doja Cat. What might have been even bigger than the song itself, however, was the dance Malone did to the song’s chirpy synth outro at each one of his concerts. Going viral on TikTok and affectionately dubbed the “dancey dance,” Malone’s moves are far from mindblowing, but his Sagittarian spontaneity and fun-loving spirit was the reason so many connected with it. This summer, dance like nobody’s watching. 

(December 22 – January 19)

Based on his generally chilled-out demeanour, you might not think that Post Malone would dive headfirst into the business world, having his name associated with a variety of other ventures. Aside from the aforementioned team-ups with Crocs and Bud Light, some of the more surprising Capricorn-esque side hustles Malone has are his own brand of rosé wine, Maison No. 9 – inspired by his favourite tarot card, the Nine of Swords – as well as designing a Raising Cane’s in Midvale, Utah, of all places. Malone’s chicken shack is solid pink and is decked out in medieval imagery – as well as some of his classic tattoo designs. Let Malone striking gold in the middle of Utah inspire you to find success in an unexpected place. 


(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Malone’s love for all genres has been well-documented, but even past his genreless, radio-ready blend, he actually has a lot of love for the hardcore scene. His first venture into music was an audition for a metalcore band, Crown the Empire, but was rejected after breaking a guitar string. He revealed to Snoop Dogg on his YouTube show, GGN, that he played in a variety of less prominent metal bands before breaking through to the mainstream. That progressive and unique take on the constraints of genre that led him all the way up to being able to play with the Red Hot Chili Peppers at the 2019 Grammys could have had him mistaken for an Aquarian, so maybe you should actually throw on one of your friends’ musical suggestions instead of putting it on a never-ending list you’ll forget to revisit. 


(February 19 – March 20)

Post Malone isn’t a Pisces, but in a different timeline, we think it’s his second most-likely sign – and it’s because of the sensitive and gracious attitude that genuinely makes him one of the nicest celebrities out there. Malone can always be found racking up wholesome moments at his shows, like inviting fans with eye-catching signs on stage, going above and beyond in meet-and-greets, and autographing and handing the shoes off his feet to an audience member – he even bought one fan a home after a chance encounter in a Scottish bar. If there’s anyone in need in your life, Pisces it’s never a bad time to be generous – you never know what might come back to you.


(March 21 – April 19)

Aries’ competitive spirits are well-documented, and Post Malone certainly emphasizes these qualities in his dedication to gaming – both console and tabletop. In addition to adorning his body with references to some of his favourite triple A titles, he’s credited the Guitar Hero series with being the primary drive to picking up an instrument, and is a massive fan of Magic: the Gathering. Not only did Malone drop 800 grand on an infamous Black Lotus card, he also offers $100,000 to fans daring enough to defeat him, has written the text on new batches of cards, and even has his own card dubbing him “Post, Son of Rich” – his real father’s name. It’s your time to finally defeat that final boss – on an old favourite game sitting around, or in real life. 


(April 20 – May 20)

Despite landing nine songs on the Spotify billion-stream club playlist – the second-most of any artist in history – Malone has often doubled down on insisting that his breakout hit, “White Iverson,” is his only good song. He first admitted it to Nardwuar, riffing about feeling the need to perform it multiple times each concert. The song peaked at #14 on the charts and has since reached five times platinum, but still pales in comparison to the successes of tracks like “rockstar,” “Sunflower” and “Circles.” Still, like any Taurus, Malone knows what he likes when he sees it and sticks to his guns – and while he might not be entirely correct, it still might be his all-time greatest earworm. When you land on something good this month, Taurus, get everything you can out of it. 


(May 21 – June 20)

Speaking of some of Malone’s most notable hit songs, though: we feel like none quite capture his effervescent spirit like 2016’s “Congratulations.” Still Metro Boomin’s most successful song as a producer despite a storied discography, the images of taking a baseball bat to a TV screen and the confetti falling down on him in the music video remain some of the most iconic of his career. As Malone says in the song, he got to where he is by “work[ing] so hard [he] forgot how to vacation,” and if this has been you lately, don’t forget to say congratulations and treat yourself.