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The FAPS' Guide To Performing In A Post-Pandemic World

Saskatoon's unruly punk duo share their reintegration tips for a better tomorrow.

by Skyler Cafferata and Blair Colwell

Illustrations by Blair Colwell

Wow, what a long day the past year has been! Unprecedented times are so unprecedented these days. Things are changing, and if you’re like us you’re probably wondering how your little punk band that got in everyone’s faces and did gross stuff is gonna keep up when live shows return. After surviving a deadly virus you can assume people aren’t going to be too enthusiastic about you spitting beer all over the stage, climbing into garbage cans, or hand feeding them pasta. Here are a few safe and fun gimmicks to be ready with when shows come back.

1. Aggressive Cleaning

Taking the mic into a stall while people gather at the bathroom entrance is a tried and true stage antic— but venue bathrooms are gross. Grab some Windex, toilet bowl cleaner, a bucket of water, and some ice for the urinals and get to work scrubbing while you scream your lyrics about how war is bad or whatever.

2. Talk Instead

No one can even hear each other over your music, so maybe now is a good time to take a break and discuss current events. Did everyone get their vaccine? No? You’ve got 45 minutes and a room full of friends. Get on your phones and find some info to help Danny ease his mind a bit. It’s okay to be scared Dan, but we all got vaxxed and we’re fine. We’ll help ya figure it out!

3. Paint Night!

Why not get in on the hottest craze for wine moms? Paint nights are fun, easy, and keep everyone at a safe distance. You get to shred, the crowd gets to paint the same picture of a tree in the sunset — everyone wins.

4. Just Do a Podcast

Doing a deep dive into a murder case or explaining Bitcoin or Slenderman for the thousandth time is still easier than playing in 7/4. Plus you can still sell merch and people will actually contribute to your Patreon. That’s right, they won’t pay $5 for your album but they’ll pay $5 every month to hear you and your asshole friends make dick jokes while discussing Ed Gein. Go figure!

5. Pre-Packaged (Sanitized) Insanity

Go to Canadian Tire and purchase a Cuisinart vacuum sealer, or borrow one from your weed dealer. Seal beer spills, portions of tomato sauce “blood,” and pieces of  trash into individual vacuum packs; wipe with disinfectant towelettes and hand out to your audience. When they get home they’ll be just as surprised and maybe slightly annoyed to open their stage gimmick and throw it on their own face — just as if they were at the show.