1. Aggressive Cleaning
Taking the mic into a stall while people gather at the bathroom entrance is a tried and true stage antic— but venue bathrooms are gross. Grab some Windex, toilet bowl cleaner, a bucket of water, and some ice for the urinals and get to work scrubbing while you scream your lyrics about how war is bad or whatever.
2. Talk Instead
No one can even hear each other over your music, so maybe now is a good time to take a break and discuss current events. Did everyone get their vaccine? No? You’ve got 45 minutes and a room full of friends. Get on your phones and find some info to help Danny ease his mind a bit. It’s okay to be scared Dan, but we all got vaxxed and we’re fine. We’ll help ya figure it out!
3. Paint Night!
Why not get in on the hottest craze for wine moms? Paint nights are fun, easy, and keep everyone at a safe distance. You get to shred, the crowd gets to paint the same picture of a tree in the sunset — everyone wins.
4. Just Do a Podcast
Doing a deep dive into a murder case or explaining Bitcoin or Slenderman for the thousandth time is still easier than playing in 7/4. Plus you can still sell merch and people will actually contribute to your Patreon. That’s right, they won’t pay $5 for your album but they’ll pay $5 every month to hear you and your asshole friends make dick jokes while discussing Ed Gein. Go figure!
5. Pre-Packaged (Sanitized) Insanity
Go to Canadian Tire and purchase a Cuisinart vacuum sealer, or borrow one from your weed dealer. Seal beer spills, portions of tomato sauce “blood,” and pieces of trash into individual vacuum packs; wipe with disinfectant towelettes and hand out to your audience. When they get home they’ll be just as surprised and maybe slightly annoyed to open their stage gimmick and throw it on their own face — just as if they were at the show.
