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Your Horoscope According To Shit Britney Spears Did

Look to the stars for thoughtful insight into your month ahead.

by Ben Boddez

Illustration by Erik Grice

She’s one of history’s most iconic and influential pop stars, and we’re endlessly glad that Britney Spears has reclaimed her rightful and respected position at the forefront of culture in recent years. Always maintaining a charming demeanour in interviews while simultaneously stunning audiences with her “not that innocent” culture-shifting videos and performances, Spears has no shortage of memorable moments. This is your horoscope according to shit Britney Spears did.

(November 22 – December 21)

Back when Twitter was still called Twitter, Britney Spears sent one of the site’s most enduringly hilarious Tweets back in 2011: “Does anyone think global warming is a good thing? I love Lady Gaga. I think she’s a really interesting artist.” Without the quote-Tweet feature invented yet, it was impossible to see that Spears’ iconic question for the culture was rhetorical, with italics needed on the word “anyone.” We love a Sagittarian sense of spontaneity, but be careful not to send the wrong message!

(December 22 – January 19)

It could easily be argued that Spears was one of the most famous people in the world for a certain stretch of time, but it was clear that she was destined for stardom from a young age. After a stint on Star Search where she showcased a shockingly powerful voice for her age, she finally linked up with Christina Aguilera, Ryan Gosling and future beau Justin Timberlake in the House of Mouse two years later, and the rest was history. Capricorn, if you’ve been receiving too many nos lately, don’t get discouraged – success might be right around the corner.

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

The music video for Spears’ debut single, “…Baby One More Time” is easily in the conversation with some of history’s most iconic, but it almost never came to fruition at all. The record label’s original plan was to have the video entirely animated, but with an Aquarian’s independence, Spears took over the proceedings with her own ideas. Director Nigel Dick later commented that no piece of clothing in the legendary video cost more than $17, possibly adding to its charm and realness. Aquarius, you don’t need to break the bank to find what you’re looking for this month.

(February 19 – March 20)

While it might seem relatively tame in the grand scheme of things today, Spears’ penchant for causing controversy struck once more at the 2003 MTV Video Music Awards, when she locked lips with the Material Girl herself. It’s recently been revealed that MTV were fully aware they were about to televise a “moment” that would preserve their reputation for “push[ing] culture in provocative ways.” Pisces, we know you’re a romantic at heart – we won’t tell if you kiss someone people might not have expected you to this month.

(March 21 – April 19)

Continuing an impressively ambitious run in her early days, Spears continued to exemplify an Aries’ daring and competitive nature with her choice of an audition song to impress the brass at Jive Records, her future label. At a time when labels were focused on pop groups, Spears’ 1992 performance of Whitney Houston’s “I Have Nothing” – often called one of the hardest songs to sing of all time – quickly had her signed up. Reach for the stars and go for the big one this month, Aries – don’t take the easy way out.

(April 20 – May 20)

Taurus, we know you stick true to your beliefs. It’s widely remembered that Spears was an ambassador for Pepsi, appearing in quite a few big-budget commercials. The only problem was that she preferred Coke. Unfortunately, due to being one of the world’s most-photographed people, the fact that she was holding a can of Coke a little too often in those images upset one of the higher-ups and she was removed from the brand after two years. Taurus, if you have a new opportunity on the horizon, don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone.

(May 21 – June 20)

Nosiness has certainly gotten many a Gemini into trouble – and although the impulsive thoughts were there, Britney didn’t let them win. In a 2013 interview with Ryan Seacrest alongside will.i.am, Spears found herself caught in the middle of a dating conversation. Incredulously mouthing “girl?” to her frequent collaborator when preferences were revealed, Spears said nothing as Seacrest described his romantic endeavours. Gemini, follow her lead and don’t let your big mouth get you into trouble this month.

(June 21 – July 22)

The Las Vegas strip has become a bit of a who’s who of dominant legacy acts in recent years, with quite a few notable musicians setting up shop in an extended residency. Spears is often attributed with reinventing them, making them cool and current when she unveiled her Britney: Piece of Me show. A retrospective of all the hits in the same room every night? Sounds like a Cancer’s flair for the nostalgic, familiar and nurturing. If you’re feeling on top of the world lately, it might be time to set it in stone.

(July 23 – August 22)

Britney Spears could always be trusted to make a splash at the MTV VMAs. Her “I’m A Slave 4 U” performance, complete with a live python scarf, at the 2001 edition still stands out as arguably the ceremony’s most iconic – and with the big spectacle that it was, it must have had a Leo on the planning committee. Leo, we know that you can’t help but get caught up in the drama from time to time and have a penchant for avoiding the snakes in your life. But as they say – keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.

(August 23 – September 22)

Spears’ recent return to her social media presence has been fruitful – especially her TikTok and Instagram posts that find her performing dance routines in the comfort of her home. Although some of the carefree and boundary-pushing content has raised some eyebrows (and even prompted some wellness checks), Spears has mentioned that she does it in order to “[find] her love for dancing again.” Spears isn’t much of a Virgo, but wanting to rediscover a love for dance might have a bit of your traditional elegance and attention to detail. An old passion might be calling your name this month.

(September 23 – October 22)

Balancing the scales, a Libra’s most shining characteristic is their ability to strive for equality – and Spears has certainly stood the test of time as one of music’s most enduring LGBTQ+ icons. Picking up the GLAAD Vanguard Award in 2018, Spears spoke about her appreciation for her LGBTQ+ fans’ “unwavering loyalty” and “lack of judgement.” Why is Spears so adored in the community? A Vice profile seeking the answer once pointed to her “fragile resilience,” rather than the “self-possession” typical of other queer icons., dubbing her “closer to Judy Garland than Lady Gaga.” Libra, this is the month to find that resilience.

(October 23 – November 21)

A Scorpio can pick up a reputation for being secretive, but it’s no secret that Spears has had her fair share of struggles and tumultuous years in her career – with a Scorpio’s focus, however, she’s always been able to make a big comeback. After her 2007 VMA performance of “Gimme More” was widely criticized, she still racked up awards at the next year’s ceremony, kicking off her Circus era that saw her earn her first number one hit since “…Baby One More Time” with “Womanizer.” Wait until they see you rising from the ashes this month, Scorpio.